The Naughty List

The Naughty List, Authored and GMed by Josh Harwood

Sunday, December 24, 2023: Ho ho ho, you’ve been very naughty, and you know what I do to the naughty ones… they suffer my coal fueled wrath and get sent to the dark christmassy abyss of the great old ones!!! MERY CHRISTMAS!!! He ho ho!!! Let’s check in on them now… 

Luke (Grant): Math student/quarterback.

James (David): Law student/stoner.

Alex (Bill): Film student/Nerd.

Panda (Thom): Film student/Gymnast.

The Party (Fraternity house): Holiday break just meant the opportunity to get wasted without having to attend classes the next day. The music blared which meant conversation required yelling at the person next to you. There were partiers passed out in the bushes outside or in the bathtub upstairs. Others curled around the commode, while others cleared off the kitchen table to do the “vertical bump”. A haze started at the ceiling and slowly grew 3 feet thick in the Livingroom from all the smokers. Puke on the floor, spilled beer, cigarette butts everywhere or drenched out in unfinished drinks… thank God you didn’t own the place and have to clean up in the morning!

James was the first to notice, “Is that Leland’s feet sticking out from the Christmas tree?!” Luke walked behind the tree to see the face, yet none was there. Strange, it wasn’t that massive a tree. James wickedly smiled, “Let’s write something on his chest while he’s passed out. I’ve got a Sharpie marker.” Luke tugged on his feet… That’s when the Livingroom lights flickered and the Christmas tree lights all turned red. Distraction before all saw, “Holy Shit! You pulled him apart!!” Beyond the legs, intestines followed but no upper half of Leland’s body! And the tree came to life… grew 10ft tall and flailed its branches as the string of lights gathered into circles to form eyes that blinked as the branches slapped together like hungry lips!!

[Sanity] Luke dove for the couch to hide behind while Panda screamed “Call 911” before backflipping into the kitchen and out the back door. Alex began recording with his iphone, “Sweet, I’m bound to get an A in class for THIS video. First class props and set design.” James drew in a deeper inhale from his marijuana joint as he sat on the couch, “Damn fine mix if I say so myself.”

Outside, Panda realized the whole street was pitch black with only this Frat-house lit up. She ran for the garden shed to hide. Back in the house, Luke began tossing cushions at the tree that gobbled them and spit out the stuffing. Short, needleless branches became arms that threw Christmas balls in reply. James slipped off the couch and crawled into the kitchen, only to face animated garden gnomes and Elves-On-a-Shelf (EOS) gnawing on and stabbing a half-dozen other students (dead or dying). [Sanity] James kicked those in his way as he reached for a bottle of Bacardi 151 to first douse then light and torch the evil creatures that were now gutting the other frat students (intestines sprawled like sausage links).

In the Livingroom, Alex tried to backup (still filming), slipped in puke and fell on his ass. Luke (temporarily insane) went into quarterback mode and began calling signals, “Blue 42, kill kill, Omaha… hut.” He fired more cushions and even table lamps at the tree than sprang forward on its stump-peg-leg, causing tree ornaments to fall off and break (adding glass to the floor). Suddenly a hole opened in his center and a storm of pine-needles shot out! Luke dodged back behind the couch, but Benny (stoned frat boy) got caught in the line of fire.

Outside, Panda peeked out of the shed and noticed the pool water turned red. And that’s when she also saw the severed arm at her feet. [Sanity] She screamed louder while ‘potty-dancing’ out of the shed in terror. Over her screams, she heard bells from above. Too afraid to look, Panda dialed 911 as she ran in circles looking for something solid as background. She pressed against the garden wall to face whatever threatened. And if as on cue, a yard shovel appeared beside her. Now armed, she readied to wield it like a blade. And that’s when she heard sniffing and chewing from behind… behind the garden wall! Panda spun and backed up in one motion, to face… a reindeer with red eyes and red nose peeking thru the wall slats. [Sanity] Panda stumble-balanced on the edge of the pool screaming as Rudolph burst thru the wall and charged. She ran for the kitchen door only to be pinned by antlers that penetrated her back!

James heard Panda’s screams and saw her pinned to the back door by the antlers. He broke the rum bottle to use as a weapon against the gnomes/EOS as he fought his way back into the Livingroom as flames roared in the kitchen. “Pop, pop, snap.” Gnomes and EOS were caught in the fire and fried like popcorn.

In the Livingroom, Alex scrambled to his feet and ran to the front door, only to fail opening it per his puke-slippery hands. Luke screamed at the tree (“I’ll be back for you”) as he sprang toward the fireplace to grab the fireplace poker. And that’s when soot belched from the fireplace, Christmas music echoed forth from it, as Santa appeared from the flu, upside down and head-first, wielding an axe! [Sanity] Luke was caught flatfooted as the axe gutted him, spilling his intestines to the floor. Santa laughed and stared with his (one bright red, the other bright purple) eyes as he bellowed, “Ho ho ho, let me axe you a question.”  

[Sanity] Both Alex and James witnessed the Santa attack. Alex tried both hands on the doorknob as James tried to cross the room. He first swung the broken bottle at Santa before running for the front door. As Santa’s stabbed right eye changed from purple to yellow, Santa bellowed, “You’ve been very naughty James. VERY naughty.” Santa pulled the axe out of Luke and swung at James (who ducked). Santa tormented, “Ho ho ho, ducking the questions are you!”

Somehow Luke was still alive. He crawled toward the front door, trailing his intestines behind. Santa threw the axe… that embedded in the back of Luke’s head. “Thud!” (dead). Alex found grip on the handle and rushed outside, followed by James.

Panda burst thru the kitchen door (ignoring the tiny gnome screams), rushed thru the flames and into the Livingroom, only to witness the thrown axe hit to Luke. She froze in horror as she came face2face with the tree that fired another burst of needles at her. Panda’s eyes fluttered as she fell unconsciousness. Her last words, “But why?!” And that’s when the kitchen door burst open as Rudolph burst into the house, charged into the Livingroom, stomped on Panda’s head, and continued thru the open front door.

Alex and James heard the bellowing reindeer and turned to look: Rudolph aflame per the kitchen fire. Doomed. “Mama.” Yet they saw Rudolph run past and spring into the sky as if a shooting star. James pulled out a roach and lit up, “That was some crazy shit man!” He failed to notice the pack of EOS that swarmed at him, stabbing with their little switchblades. James rolled and kicked to get them off. Alex kept running down the dark street while James was bleeding out. And that’s when James realized he couldn’t move… as if paralyzed. But more surprising was the scroll that suddenly appeared in his hand. Strange writing with a picture of Santa with tentacles.

As for Alex: he was 2 blocks down the street when a sleigh suddenly dropped from the sky and landed on him.

“Cut CUT! What the hell was that?! You screwed up your lines and missed your marks. And the scroll… the timing was wrong! Take 1,296 and you’re still screwing up! Everything wrong. All failures!”

Harvey aka Luke (Grant): Horror actor

Michael aka James (David): Comedian, bassoonist.

Clint aka Alex (Bill): stuntman.

Vicky aka Panda (Thom): Social media influencer.

The actors gathered round as assistants tried to clean off the fake gore and blood. Paul (the director) continued to berate everyone, “That scroll wasn’t meant to be there. Who the hell is responsible?!” Alice meekly came forward to secure the scroll, “I’ll get it back to the prop room.” Once she was out of range, Paul disparaged Alice, “She makes a better prop handler than actress. Her age was starting to show and she kept missing her lines. Thank God, I found you Vicky.”

Vicky fumed at Paul, “You better be nice, or we’ll walk. And there better be chocolate on my pillow.” Paul used that as excuse to get up and handsy, “For you doll…” Vicky edged away. Clint broke into the conversation (as a means to rescue Vicky), “Someone better look at the sleigh. I think a support rope broke cause it almost crushed me for real. I’ve only been on set a month now. I think I know why you’ve lost so many stuntmen.” Paul apologized, “I’ll have it looked at. And sorry about cutting your barrel-roll scene. I’ll see if I can write it back in.”

Harvey called for an ice-bag to sooth his aching shoulder, “Damn it, Santa was kinda rough today. Maybe I should get a stunt-double. But I do gotta admit Charles’ (aka Santa) off-script jokes were a killer. Axing, ducking. And that flaming reindeer. Je-sus… damn scary!” Michael was equally impressed by the gnomes and EOS, “I swear I mis-stepped and should have hit their puppeteer strings. How the hell did they do that? Must be paying good money to the props department, cause they’re paying us shit.” Vicky corrected, “Speak for yourself. Did you see me pull off the pool-edge balancing act? That was worth an Emmy.”

And that’s when a big hand thumped on the table. Charles interrupted their musing as he gave Vicky the creepy eyeball stare from head to tits, “Babe, you were mouth-watering great.” Vicky knew better than to berate the arrogant bastard who made triple her pay. Charles answered Harvey’s compliment, “Jokes? You just need to learn when and how to adlib.” And that’s when he began to stutter and wince as if in pain, “I don’t feel so…” Vicky pulled out a chair and offered a bottle of water. Michael muttered under his breath, “Water? Better make it a bottle of rum. He’s the one who provided all the empty alcohol bottles for the kitchen scene.” Charles skipped the offered chair and staggered toward his trailer.

Michael took the opportunity to point out, “If Charles drops out, maybe things will run smoother.” And that’s when a page boy arrived with the news, “The director is making more script changes. Copies should be in your dressing rooms soon.” Harvey noted, “Did you see Santa’s eyes change colors when I drove that broken bottle thru his eyes? That wasn’t in the original script! What else is he going to add?” Michael stood next to the serving table, snacking on vegetables and hummus, when he noticed the gnomes and EOS. “Shouldn’t these be back in the prop room?” And that’s when he felt a small nick on his calf and noticed a small trickle of blood.

And that’s when one of the stage runners appeared, “Has anyone seen Leland? The director wants to add 7 more lines to his character.” Which reminded the others, “Should we check on Charles? Sounds like the director wants to get in one more take before the day is done.” While Michael and Clint headed for Charles’ trailer, Harvey and Vicky stepped out of the studio for fresh air and to join the gang of smokers (pun on fresh air). Vicky teased, “I hope Charles is OK; we don’t need someone actually dying on set. Don’t need another ‘Rust’ movie and the death of Halyna Hutchins.”

Michael and Clint first heard the coughing from inside. Since the trailer door was slightly ajar, Michael called out as they entered, “You gonna be ready for another take?” The smell of sickness filled the dark abyss. Belching sounded from somewhere inside. Clint moved to open some windows for air and light, only to be greeted by the sight of Charles vomiting projectiles. [Dodge 99] Clint got a mouthful! [Sanity] Bad enough till they saw the veins on Charles’ neck bulging and almost black instead of blood red. “What the hell have you been shooting up?!”

Clint rushed outside to spit and sputter, “Water! I need water to wash out my mouth!” Michael exited, “Medic! We need a medic here!” Viky and Michael happened to arrive, “Clint, what is that crawling on your clothing?” [Sanity] They all realized they were worms. Clint vomited… really dry-heaved as he had nothing left. Michael suggested Clint take a shower and change clothes as he mused, “With Charles out of the picture, maybe we can get Jack Black to play Santa.” And that’s when another stage runner appeared, “Director wants you back on the set, now.” Clint protested, “Tell him I need 10 minutes to clean up.”

Vicky was already complaining as they got near. Paul was waiting on the set, “Vicky, shut that pretty little mouth… Every one of you is shit. S H I T. This is shit. Take your mark and get it right this time. There’s a 10% bonus if we can finish today.” Michael mentioned Charles’ condition. “We’ll just shoot around him and back it in later. Vicky, doll, I changed it so you are no longer dying. Clint, your barrel-roll is back in. Michael… keep doing what you do… you’re nailing it man.” As Paul climbed into his high director chair he mumbled, “I work with a bunch of idiots.” Aloud he added, “Vicky, you’re now in the last scene too as Pyra, taking Alice’s place. Can’t find her anyway and can’t wait. Yeah, another 10% for you.’

Harvey pointed out Leland wasn’t in position, “His legs aren’t protruding from the tree.” Paul came unglued and almost sounded defeated, “Just get into your damn position! Chris T.! ACTION!”

The Santa double did a decent job. Clint performed his barrel-roll miraculously. Not that it mattered… Alex still died. At first Michael/James was killed on the curb but then he stopped-dropped-and rolled his way to safety.

“And that’s a wrap.”

Except… all heard the “Ho ho ho” and a humming tune. And the sound of something being drug. Charles appeared… well, not that they could see him in the dark corner. Clint turned on his phone flashlight. [Sanity] “He ho ho.” They saw the bulging black veins on his neck (and wiggling tentacles protruding from his mouth) and saw the bloody axe in his left hand as his right hand held something behind his back. Not for long… he tossed Leland’s decapitated head at their feet!

Paul was off-stage and hadn’t seen, “What the hell is going…” His words cut short as the axe cleaved off his head! [Sanity] Michael bolted for the prop room as Harvey just stood incredulous. Vicky bolted, running and screaming. Clint began searching for which stage rope controlled the scene set that dangled over Charles. Clint called for help (failed his STR check). Harvey joined in and they managed to release the rope just as Charles stepped under the sleigh. “SPLAT!”

Suddenly, all the gnomes and EOS came alive and began stabbing people. And just like the movie, the tree came alive! This wasn’t some damn second-hand marijuana dream curtesy of stoner James… the damn movie was playing out in real life!

And to prove a point: the sleigh broke open as Charles stepped forth (dripping black ichor) as a 10ft tall Santa with whipping tentacles stretching from his mouth. [Sanity- really?! Who isn’t insane by now?!]

Vicky bumped into Michael in the prop area and hysterically noted, “I can’t get thru to 911. Nothing but static.” As they rounded a corner, they witnessed scores of EOS stabbing movie lot security guards. Michael grabbed Vicky’s arm, “We need to get weapons and hole up till the police arrive.” And that’s when Vicky remembered, “The scroll! Didn’t you/James say there was strange symbols and writing on it? Someone mentioned something about a ‘counter-spell’? That wasn’t in the original. Let’s find it.”

As Vicky searched the prop room for the scroll, Michael searched for weapons. “Damn it, nerf axe and shovel.” Vicky panicked, “I can’t find it. We’re going to die!” Michael slapped her, “Becomes like Velma in Scooby Doo and go batshit crazy on everything!”

Back on stage, Harvey dodged a whipping tentacle as he retreated to hide by climbing up the fireplace flu. Clint employed his barrel-roll to dodge another tentacle as he too looked for somewhere to hide (no rooms; someplace with an alternate exit). The flu proved to be too weak; so, Harvey exited. “Ouch!” Harvey squealed as 3 EOS appeared at his feet and stabbed with their switchblades. Harvey stomped them flat (like piñatas, they spewed candy). Unfortunately, he was too near the Christmas tree that suddenly appeared. A barrage of needles spewed forth: Harvey began to feel woozy and decided to climb back up the flu.

CLIMAX

Vicky and Michael relentlessly searched the prop room. And that’s when Alice appeared from a dark corner, holding the scroll, “Stay back. They deserve to die.” Vicky grabbed the nearest thing and threw the teapot. “Thunk” Alice dropped the scroll such that Vicky grabbed it and tossed it to Michael, “Get out of here. I’ll hold her off.” Only then did they notice the tattoos on Alice’s arms start to glow. Light rays beamed out, arcing through Vicky and Michael who seemed frozen in place. Along with a burning ray, they saw visions of the future (near and far). Which in turn, caused them to rapidly age.

Alice grabbed the scroll back as she apologized, “You’re just collateral damage. Vicky, you should know best how women are treated so poorly in the movie industry. How we have to ‘suck up’ to get ahead, earn half the pay of men, tossed aside when we begin to show wrinkles or graying hair. God forbid we put on a pound or two.” Maybe it was compassion: Alice flicked her fingers, restoring their age and releasing their paralysis. Vicky agreed, “Just point out who you want killed; I’ll help. But spare me; I have a career in my future.” Alice chided Michael, “Face it, you’re just a washed-up comedian.”

But Vicky was using the ‘suck up’ to get closer: she punched Alice in the face, cat-clawed her hair, and kicked till Alice became unconscious. Together, Vicky and Michael tried to read the scroll.

Back in the stage area, and insane, Harvey became Luke the quarterback and charged head on at Santa. [failed DEX] He was grabbed by one tentacle and then a second and ripped apart like Party-Snappers. Instead of guts, sparkles exploded into the air. Clint used the distraction to run for the exit.

The scroll seemed to be a blend of Greek and Arabic as they translated, “The top is a summoning spell while the bottom half vanquishes. What components do we need? Salt, 4 candles… the lunchroom has saltshakers and packets! Human blood?!”

Of course they encountered Santa along the way. Did you expect something else? At least Santa was distracted by Clint’s exit. Harvey’s death proved helpful as Vicky/Michael collected his blood for the spell. They retreated to the cafeteria. With the components in hand, they began to read the scroll, “Is that a Pha or Tha?” Together they chanted, “Pha-ta-yltol-ftagn” as Michael used blood collected from Harvey to drip on the salt. The candles flared.

Santa appeared… a tentacle stretched out and impaled Vicky, lifting her off the ground, before she slid off the end and fell. “Thud!” [dead] And that’s when black liquid wept from Santa’s orifices as he slowly withered, becoming a puddled mass on the floor.

EPILOGUE

Clint exited the movie lot and never looked back. Michael collapsed, exhausted, as he heard the approach of police and ambulances. And that’s when Alice appeared before him; stupid of him to think she was dead. She blasted him unconscious with a bolt of blue energy before she herself fell, spent.

Michael awoke in the back of an ambulance as the EMT shoved the needle in his arm. “No thanks, I’ve had enough needles for the day.” But as he sat up, he saw Alice being loaded into a neighboring ambulance that soon sped away. Only to suddenly tip over as tentacles erupted from its side. The back doors slung open, and Alice strode away.